while you are away

i am sleeping greedily. the bed, my fortress. and i spread out big upon it. the pillows surround me, keep me safe. and cozy… but the mornings are still too cold. they miss the warmth that is you.

i don’t eat as much. too occupied with anything but food, it’s not fun cooking for one. and i think of all the great things i might cook when you come back. then count the days with my fingers and realize they fit on two hands.

i think of the random things you’ve told me. how our dynamics have changed. and i realize how much i like to see you every day. and i wish i could see you now.

if only you could meet me here, in my fortress. away from the outside annoyances.

just for one afternoon. under the sheets.

i get lonely. my face long, i remember how i should smile more. and i raise my eyebrows in hopes of their encouragement. but it doesn’t work.

so instead, i agree to stay busy. write more.. . keep focus.

thankful

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.- Steve Jobs

deep waters, unfinished

fractured line of reasoning. sedated, swimming in deep waters.

these are my waves, my hidden corals, my seeking riptides.

and all that i am afraid of, all that i enjoy sleeps with me in the heavy currents.

when the blues and the purples match my skin tone, i know that its consumed me.

and while i sink quiet and silent, i know the pause is important, so i pay close attention.

and as i give in to display my likeness, its coolness brings resonance.

finally.

inhaling to become one. i feel alive.

all of a sudden- it fills me enough to be complete. and its okay. for once.

its alright with me.

i am not what you make of me. i fight hard not to let it break me down.

for once, just this once, i am enough.

so let it be. let these words describe the inside.

make the change if you feel so, swim deep inside here where its dark and wet and warm and slick.

if not, take notes, learn something new, and cut the lifeline.

and in all this time, i belong to you. in every minute i think of this. and your coolness kills me slowly.

be mine, like a dirty valentine

be my happy moments. be my sunny day, easy breezy that opens me alive,

be my cool stream along the slick rocks,

my green path. the brightness of daybreak

be my laughing child. be my warm embraces, crack the world open,

be my forgotten love note and leave me with wet kisses,

touch me in the warm light. chilling fingertips that leave me with goosebumps.

i know that is what you are. so show it to me.

be my rosy cheeks, my numb limbs and my wet center. hold me tight and don’t let go. even when you should. even when you have to.

be my warm fire. my sucking tongue. be my clenched fist. my laughing matter. be my lonely lover, my sloppy swagger. my naughty dress up. my dirty polaroid. love me like i know you do.

be my salty wave break.  my grainy texture. be my blurred color line. just like i want it. my forgotten mathematician. the solvent to all that is good in me. just for me. show me that you need to.

i know that is what you are.. …

“my dearest scatter heart”

textured walls finding softness building pieces you can’t follow me anymore quiet gestures bringing closer ideas lovely bruised and beaten find me ugly today tomorrow always willing suffer more than less likely candidate you make nonsense reality again and again third class communication never wins in this space near me so bring your suitcase pack up quickly runaway lover i dislike you right now and covet you always taking care to show my care ignore me now find the silence bleeding hearts scurried lifestyle destructive behavior creeps upon me blooming death traps surround this body denied suffocation always hungry       and moments passed finds the sounds massaging my insides brilliant being i’ll figure you out just in time to let you know why i must leave you unwilling and disrupted don’t make me love you anymore i try to make decisions concrete beyond my fingertips i am grasping for your touch hating the torture you serve me i bring it upon myself flawed i am and problems rise to make it live for me what’s new you in a locked compartment deny me love deny me comfort deny the future and breathe me uncertainty i am not your average beating heart opposite the others and you’re losing it too soon love was meant you rushed and dragged me along and tore my chest open visibly corrupting my thought process  you are something else like an act of ruefulness to show others and yourself madness belongs in a warm jumpsuit                        jumping off into pools of water to drown in your hindsight oh well  it’s warm were i stand with bright futures only blocked by self denial i’ll find my own you’ll see and i hope for you to be next to me questioning you i always end up falling too much in love this time will bring enlightened behavior so i hope for your likeness this is the minute that recalls all else this is the minute that begins another chapter this is what feels necessary. and it stops.

early hours of the morning

hardwood floor.

quietly lit kitchen and entryway.

humming of the refrigerator.

these are the things that keep me company in the early hours of the morning.

bare feet, light sweater.

cold keys, you do me no justice these days.

and in the quiet hours of the early morning, i find that all i have is a warm beating heart. but what does that give you other than the capacity to feel pain.

empty flower vase.

unused library and kitchen table.

steady melody keeping me awake.

these are all just reminders of the lonely place i call my home.

blurry vision, achy chest.

you say i amount to no good. complacent in my skin.

in these quiet hours of the early morning, i find that my skin keeps my likeness safe. but you can’t hide when you are bruised to the core.

geyser

crystal geyser,

i feel your rumble.

what began as a trickle is beating quickly against the walls of my heart.

looking for a quick escape in my eyes, i cant fight this feeling.

and as i search for the words i remember to stop.

react.

shut the umbrella and let it pour up, out and down on me.

and with the help of the pit of my stomach, this love finds no solution.

so i lay in it. twirl my fingertips in the puddles

and while i am still and silent, the beating resides.

crystal geyser,

you leave me wet and lonely.

signs of september

quiet moments find me soft in the stream of lights, forcing their presence through the cracks in the blinds.

sleepy eyes turned watery eyes, dreamy eyes falling quietly back asleep. in the comfort of your security blanket. arms wrapped perfectly around my waist, up around my chest, your hand holds me tight.

the morning brings a slight chill that comes in the beginning,

and with our bodies close, you keep me warmer still..

in my dreams i find you again, with the sunny day broken and spread across you. and like the ocean’s breeze, you move me..

warm glow, solitude

straight to the head.

blurry blind.

forgetful fool. you should remember better. like a warm coat, it feeds.

instead you walk blind. talking and talking to everyone but you . delirious and drunk in the moment. a stupid movement.

a numbing drive home.

an empty love nest. with a warm glowing, solitude.

and i want nothing but a click of the front door lock,

and nothing but me to be alone for just a while longer.

in my head.

pulled out of the wreck.

forgetful fool. you should remember better. like a warm coat, it feeds.

instead you walk blind. talking and talking..

delirious and drunk.

in the moment. with a warm glow, solitude.

888

so gloomy my spirit soaks the pain up. straight on the rocks.

 

i say one thing and you hear the other. and i feel you pick a scab that was never really there. defendant at loss, i always fight back. the tough skin on me knows nothing else. you surely can relate..

 

clear thoughts cant tame the sharp tongue in our heat of moments. jabbing, stabbing, and sick with myself. i curb the enthusiasm and feel almost shameful.

 

and when the coast becomes clear, i keep trying to balance the angst you and i may share. but sometimes the teeter totters too much to our left and the ebb and flow of you and i are wrecked a mess.

 

silly game, we never can win. so we separate emotions to cover the hole that we’re in.