worried and wondering

and the only time i can cooperate

the only time i will give it up is if you hurt me. torture me. put nails through my spine.

watch the blood leave nothing but words behind.

 

silent keeper of the quiet riot.

you believe in your moment.

 

and the only time i give up is yours.

the lonely lifestyle of you and me. beat to the core. so what’s left behind?

 

nothing.

 

but a fragment of heart beats.. that don’t speak.

 

thursday in june

such a glutton for punishment.

it will never grow tiresome, this struggle to make you love me.

after many afternoons pass me under my closed eyes,

i can feel the tiny knots in my stomach growing stronger..

and i find my rest is necessary.

some sort of service to myself and everyone else.

a ceremony to bring new light to your unforeseen bother.

when i wake, the music helps

isolated, and able to lay it out.

slowly. and quiet.

and when i hear the snap of the key at the front door.

i know i will find you, willing and lovable again.

redeeming all actions with every bit of gentleness.

and your influence will prove to be lusty once more.

with perfect timing.

breakaway

chest bare to this new feel. i look towards the hallway and find it empty. i don’t see you looking in at me, comforted in my pureness.  i’m catching water with my hands.  i’m swimming in the pools with hungry Puranas. asking to be eating alive.

eyes wet still from the mornings dew of you and me apart. i find solace in every day movement. i find energy hiding in the discomfort of my heart.  creating something out of this nothing.

 

and i don’t ask for much. a voice in the stagnant air we breathe.  that would break me away pleased.

 

instead you keep pushing away.  softened up enough to make the effort with my controlled thoughts. trying to quiet the demons inside you. don’t you know i feel it too? pulling at this ache i keep finding within you.  discarding my own torment. i’m fighting against the current.  i’m aiming for your lighthouse without knowing the difference of an anchor to keep my boat from straying, or if in fact to sink me.

 

tell me you need me

 

instead you keep me guessing. with no courage.

24

this is how i feel..

the year has ended.. perhaps it isn’t quite what you thought it would be.. it isn’t quite what you thought i would be. i felt it more in the last 24 hours, but i can tell you nothing…

perhaps your hard knock life brings you to a catapult.. these 24 hours..

and the blame comes down..

 

too much for my own good.. what am i anyways?..

 

..and the blue light warms my face. sleepy drunk.. sleep quiet now.

but it wont rest. like a band-aid pulled from a freshly healed wound.

maybe now you can feel it?

maybe..

 

too much for my own.. whatever that means..

 

i found you silly, laughing at yourself again. wishing for more than the deep end of a nerve. you felt the tear form in the corner, and you smiled.

finally, all that you waited for. all those hours meant nothing to your twelve.

 

quiet

in your movements, i steal quiet moments alone with you.

you don’t see them, you rarely notice.

but i like to hide weak in your strength when i can.

because sometimes i feel. sometimes i hide soft for you to discover.

because sometimes my skin tightens for you to notice.

lips wet, eyes glisten.

muscles loose enough for you to reach right in and hold me.

 

in the quiet of the night, my wheels spin.

your liberties

numb.

when i close my eyes all i see is deep reds and oranges.

and i am tired.

and the sounds flood my bloodstream.

keeping emotions bottled is required.

don’t you see?

i don’t have the liberties you have.

i now hide, i squirm in the covers to find a cool place.

weakened with restraint.

alone in my widening space.

don’t you see?

cant you feel the glacial coat i wear?

and it just feels i drift further and further

covers only hide so much.

in this fortune full abyss.

 

patches

patient and sleeved inside a strong arm.

fingertips wet, dripping with possibilities.

it rests awhile when all else is busy.

quiet and thoughtful, it aches for submersion.

while the sun rises high, and bodies move quick.

its calm, magnetic. and it draws me in tight, closer.

and as it transforms itself into static,

it quivers all through me.

and only when its coolness rains upon me,

turns me wet and a mess, will it rest, satisfied.

cloaked in the evenings blues.

and after all is fulfilled is when i find you.

and sleepily i fall into your arms,

my eyes red, lips swollen.

patched up just in time to relish in your comfort.

caught

i caught that.

found your hard side, slipped through my cracks like water, it did.

and you meant none of it, i know. but i caught it. it slid down my chest, right into my belly.  easy with the balloons that were already there. caused breathlessness.

my likeness.

and i can’t tell you.  paranoia. learned lessons. cause. clarity.

i found that remark.

felt it deep in my certainty.  lasting as long as sugar does in water. i found it in you. lips bleeding the syrup. eyes glassed in it.  hiding the gesture, playing the fool, i could taste it. eloquent.  bittersweet. concerned. needled.

my sweetness.  caught.

i heard it, louder and clear, this time. i heard you, through the typewriter and frequency waves.  a melody to my bad day, you’re the drum to the blue birds heart. the crack in my water-glass.. still holding tight to my wetness, breathing fire.

untitled

rushing into it, i’m running for your presence. delicate in the texture of fingertips, i shine to meet the preference. just give it to me, give me what i need now. imagine the life set, open arms follow sunny embraces.  i can almost feel the reassurance, like honey all over me.  enveloped in the idea, it’s you and me lover. i’m all yours.  so touch me now and keep me quiet. you’re the mystery i want to solve, and you make me less complicated somehow. so keep me calm and keep me loved. my eyelids flutter, trying to contain the waves..  all on you, my likeness breathes wetness. and the shivers deliver constant reminders. aching for your content. it’s consuming, and i wouldn’t change this for the world. unimaginable turns solid underneath you. this is necessary. you become my future, my little argument, changed and content, driven to live up to this higher level, i become innovative.  this is something i believe in.  so i’ll keep it safe, i’ll protect you now.. in this…