this is how i feel..

the year has ended.. perhaps it isn’t quite what you thought it would be.. it isn’t quite what you thought i would be. i felt it more in the last 24 hours, but i can tell you nothing…

perhaps your hard knock life brings you to a catapult.. these 24 hours..

and the blame comes down..

 

too much for my own good.. what am i anyways?..

 

..and the blue light warms my face. sleepy drunk.. sleep quiet now.

but it wont rest. like a band-aid pulled from a freshly healed wound.

maybe now you can feel it?

maybe..

 

too much for my own.. whatever that means..

 

i found you silly, laughing at yourself again. wishing for more than the deep end of a nerve. you felt the tear form in the corner, and you smiled.

finally, all that you waited for. all those hours meant nothing to your twelve.

 

33.

33.33..33.

stems.

they bring nothing good

anymore.

pulls. on. the . neck.

 

33.

33.33.33.

brims.

lusty love.  worn out love… ..  i’m stretched…

if i had knees..

. i would crawl..  with only parts of me.

some day.

one day.

in your movements, i steal quiet moments alone with you.

you don’t see them, you rarely notice.

but i like to hide weak in your strength when i can.

because sometimes i feel. sometimes i hide soft for you to discover.

because sometimes my skin tightens for you to notice.

lips wet, eyes glisten.

muscles loose enough for you to reach right in and hold me.

 

in the quiet of the night, my wheels spin.

numb.

when i close my eyes all i see is deep reds and oranges.

and i am tired.

and the sounds flood my bloodstream.

keeping emotions bottled is required.

don’t you see?

i don’t have the liberties you have.

i now hide, i squirm in the covers to find a cool place.

weakened with restraint.

alone in my widening space.

don’t you see?

cant you feel the glacial coat i wear?

and it just feels i drift further and further

covers only hide so much.

in this fortune full abyss.

 

patient and sleeved inside a strong arm.

fingertips wet, dripping with possibilities.

it rests awhile when all else is busy.

quiet and thoughtful, it aches for submersion.

while the sun rises high, and bodies move quick.

its calm, magnetic. and it draws me in tight, closer.

and as it transforms itself into static,

it quivers all through me.

and only when its coolness rains upon me,

turns me wet and a mess, will it rest, satisfied.

cloaked in the evenings blues.

and after all is fulfilled is when i find you.

and sleepily i fall into your arms,

my eyes red, lips swollen.

patched up just in time to relish in your comfort.

i caught that.

found your hard side, slipped through my cracks like water, it did.

and you meant none of it, i know. but i caught it. it slid down my chest, right into my belly.  easy with the balloons that were already there. caused breathlessness.

my likeness.

and i can’t tell you.  paranoia. learned lessons. cause. clarity.

i found that remark.

felt it deep in my certainty.  lasting as long as sugar does in water. i found it in you. lips bleeding the syrup. eyes glassed in it.  hiding the gesture, playing the fool, i could taste it. eloquent.  bittersweet. concerned. needled.

my sweetness.  caught.

i heard it, louder and clear, this time. i heard you, through the typewriter and frequency waves.  a melody to my bad day, you’re the drum to the blue birds heart. the crack in my water-glass.. still holding tight to my wetness, breathing fire.

rushing into it, i’m running for your presence. delicate in the texture of fingertips, i shine to meet the preference. just give it to me, give me what i need now. imagine the life set, open arms follow sunny embraces.  i can almost feel the reassurance, like honey all over me.  enveloped in the idea, it’s you and me lover. i’m all yours.  so touch me now and keep me quiet. you’re the mystery i want to solve, and you make me less complicated somehow. so keep me calm and keep me loved. my eyelids flutter, trying to contain the waves..  all on you, my likeness breathes wetness. and the shivers deliver constant reminders. aching for your content. it’s consuming, and i wouldn’t change this for the world. unimaginable turns solid underneath you. this is necessary. you become my future, my little argument, changed and content, driven to live up to this higher level, i become innovative.  this is something i believe in.  so i’ll keep it safe, i’ll protect you now.. in this…

you’re the unexpected.

a light shining in a cold, dark room.

you’re the blessing.

frightening and needed,

slowly penetrating the core of my heart

i anxiously wait for each minute,

when i can see this picture more clearly.

hoping and wanting more of you,

this insight consumes.

unlikely in the beginning, i was lukewarm and distant, wasting minutes on myself.

but persistence showed efforts and slowly this igloo around my heart began to melt

you’re the face that i sleep to dream about.

surprising me with every minute i’m with you.

hoping,

wanting,

waiting.

goodbye love

memories scream soft against this void

dreamless into frantic summer after you smear the past

girl shot

trust whines

but the moons stars sun purr like music for her

the sound sweet silent listen

she became that rock over moments since.

pushing at the center,

it creeps up into my throat.

lodging itself until i can’t breathe anymore.

i found the problem tonight. burning a hole into the bed i lay in,

quiet enough to terrify my insides and sew my lips closed so that i could not verbalize a word.

tonight i cut myself off your phone call too soon.

tonight my heart ached and needed your arms to soothe the flawed.

tonight i’ll try to lower the fire.

water begins to boil,

and alienates me under the blankets.

keep me quiet.

it makes me hungry.